Wednesday, August 13, 2003

I am going to float a proposal here. Would it reduce the petty crime rate in New York City � hell, maybe even the rape, murder and pillage rates � to pass an ordinance forcing grocery stores to widen all their aisles by ten or twelve inches? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is, I was at Garden of Eden near Union Square last night at seven thirty buying a duck and canned chestnuts, and Garden of Eden is a great store, better stocked and cheaper than Zeytuna, a hell of a lot easier to get to than Fairway or Whole Foods, with a pleasant, helpful staff, plus they had my duck AND my chestnuts, a small miracle, I can�t believe it�s taken me so long to find the place, but damned if after twenty minutes sidling hither & non that fucking bitch with the yoga mat strapped to her back (and don�t even get me started on women who walk around with yoga mats) who stood lollygagging about in the middle of the fucking aisle staring at plums or something, wasn�t inspiring gleeful visions of disembowelment. Forget about using a cart; you can barely get one of those handheld baskets around, once you have a baguette and a five-pound duck in it. The cans of chestnuts I was buying for the Puree de Marrons cost $7.50 each and I had to buy four of them, so between that and the $15 duck I was completely broke when I walked out of the store, but at least I had negotiated the eight-inch wide aisles designed, I guess, for the six-inch-wide asses of the models who live and work in the neighborhood, without knocking down a display of Pirates Booty or something.

7:05 PM |